January 12, 2007

Since fear will not control my life in 2007, I talked with a friend this week about how to conquer mine. My decision to go back to school took me back 30 years. (Surely it can’t have been that long!) I want to change at least one thing this time in my educational experience.

My first time through school I kept myself out of most relational issues. I cooperated and submitted, but seldom validated my personal perspective. So I felt people made up their minds about my success based solely on my performance and not on who I was. And I resented that.
As I talked with my friend I quickly realized that my fear of judgment was largely controlled by unwillingness to let my teachers and classmates know who I was. Since my college years I’ve learned a lot about myself and about communication.

My friend reminded me that since I’m different, my classroom experience will most probably be very different. I am free to practice what I’ve learned through the years. I’m competent and mature and ready to be a valuable contributor to this new adventure.

What surprised me most about this conversation was discovering that I’d held the resolution to my former anxieties in my own hands all along. I’d faulted the people around me for not knowing me when I was the only one who could let them know who I really was. Humans exhibit such interesting quirks, don’t we? (I really don’t need an answer)

Now I just have to conquer that feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes when I think of the 3,000 pages I have to read in the next two months.

“No, do not be afraid of those nations, for the LORD your God is among you, and he is a great and awesome God.” Deuteronomy 7:21

Rejoicing in hope,
Pastor Steve